By Dr. Jan Hoistad

“The act of dreaming has been encoded in Americans’ DNA from the very beginning.”  H.W. Brands – author American Dreams

Everyone faces self-doubts, anxieties and other obstacles along the path of life. These block you from seeing your 100% vision. Or they stop you from proceeding toward your goals.  If you allow them to get in your way it’s like living a Half-A-Life (refer to my article Get Out Of The Half-Life Syndrome and Go For Pure Gold to learn more about this debilitating syndrome.

You have a choice when confronted with limitations, obstacles, negative messages or put-downs. You can use them as excuses or rationalizations for not playing big in your life. You can even allow yourself to be victimized by these circumstances if you give them power.

The alternative is much more interesting as well as empowering.

Consider each obstacle as a creative challenge. Unconventional-Creatives love a challenge! Identify your obstacles and roadblocks (I give you four types of obstacles below you can explore.) Then take them one or a few at a time and come up with some creative ways to change, alter, work around, say “no” to, or let go of these limitations or blocks. TOSS ‘em!

4 Tips to TOSS Whatever Is In The Way Of Your Dreams
These four tips are questions to ask yourself about some obvious and subtle obstacles that may be in the way of you fully experiencing your passion and focusing on reaching for your dreams, both large and small.  I recommend a notebook or journal to quickly jot down anything that comes to mind as you respond to each one. Then go back later and contemplate what you might do to change any of these limitations.

T Thoughts That Limit You:
These are your own thoughts. They are self-doubts that constrict your vital life energy full. This self-talk holds you back from fully engaging with your mate, family, friends, co-workers and colleagues. The limiting thoughts keep you from taking steps toward achieving your vision, your goals and your creative pursuits.

O  Obstacles and Obligations:
List the obstacles and obligations—imposed by yourself, by the people around you or by cultural norms—that get in the way of you being as fulfilled and energized as you would like to be.

S Sabotages, Stuff and Suckers of Time:
These are ways you and others sabotage your time or drain your energy that you would otherwise be focusing on your visions, your creativity, work or self-expression. Then there is stuff, like activities that simply suck up time and energy so you have no time or energy left over for you. I’m sure you can think of a few! Then think about what you can do or are willing to do to change any of them!

S Shaming Messages:
This is a powerful and potent exercise. Take your time and nurture yourself if you run into really negative feelings as you uncork these messages. A research sociologist, Brene Brown, has identified about 19 ways women are shamed. Shame for men operates in a different way, but it’s just as debilitating to the individual and as a result to their world. You may wish to write the negative message on one side of the page: Messages From Others. Identify who or where it comes from in your past or present (and bless them if possible or make a note to let it go as you are ready.) Then on the other side of the page write down what you know, believe or desire for yourself: My Truth Today. Talk back to the shaming message. Say “No!” to any messages that belittle you, put your down or discourage you from accomplishing your dreams. Back yourself up and speak about what is true for you as you are today—as you are becoming.

I would love to hear what you identify and decide to TOSS as well as your progress. Feel free to leave a comment in the box below!
Dr. Jan

I call this the “Lightening Rod” Syndrome.

Let me describe some of the characteristics that are common to these folks. If you are unhappy in your work environment, you may identify yourself among the Lightening Rod numbers. If you find yourself in the description, read on for tips on how to take care of you.

And, start looking for a new job.

Common Characteristics of the Lightening Rod: Is This You?

• You’re an expert at what you do.
• You take your work seriously.
• You are probably a perfectionist and always try to do an excellent job.
• You have high values and standards for yourself and your work.
• You see the wide-ranging impact of your work on other facets of the work in your department and the company.
• You “walk your talk” meaning you are consistent and aligned in all your talk and actions.
• You are a professional and try to stay “adult” in all your interactions.
• More often than not, you are female.
• Your age, stage in career or experience level does not matter.
• At other companies you always got along; It’s surprising or hard to figure out why you are treated this way.
• No matter what you do it seems to draw negative attention or reaction.
• Even the people you supervise know you are on a “hit list” from above.
• Your self-esteem is plummeting.
• You used to feel appropriately confident in your skills. Now you are plagued with self-doubts.
• You dread going to work. 

Common Characteristics of Your Work Environment

    You have a boss, supervisor, manager, director that

• Is male or female.
• Chooses “favorites.”
• Is inconsistent in what they say and how they behave (e.g. nice to your face, but gossip, undermine behind your back, talk PC but do not act with integrity so it’s just talk.)
• May not follow through consistently in individual supervisory meetings or annual reviews.
• Or limits your actions by frequently saying “no” during supervisory meetings; Demands you “ask permission” for even small things.
• Cannot be trusted to back you up.
• Blames before gaining all the facts.
• Always has one scapegoat or a series of scapegoats.
• Is verbally abusive or may overtly demean you (or others) in team meetings.
• Or does this privately when no one else is around to witness.
• Is threatened by you for whatever reason and therefore undermines your work, does not support you, your work or your leadership.

    The culture of the company or corporation from the top on down

• Is not supportive of growing the employees. They may say they are but their actions do not follow.
• Has a “sink or swim” attitude.
• Does not discourage gossip or tattling among employees and supervisors.
• Encourages (by not saying “no”) cliques and insider/outsider behavior among employees by rewarding those who figure out how to stay on the “favorite” list, even when it is not aligned with big picture values or ethics.
• Leaves it unclear if the H.R. department takes the side of the company culture, so leaves employees with no safe place to turn.

Yuck. This is not a pretty picture is it!?

Okay. Here’s the deal. For some reason—probably partially due to your professionalism, ethics and high standards and partially due to an extremely unsupportive (and probably abusive) work environment or superior whose actions are condoned—you have been singled out. You’ve become a Lightening Rod for negativity.

In my experience coaching many professionals, this is a losing battle, especially if the characteristics of the work environment fit your situation. So I want to give you specific short-term tips to “ground” the lightening rod characteristics and some long-term advice.

Tips to “Ground” the Lightening Rod Aspects of Your Personality

These suggestions may feel counter-intuitive, but they are recommended specifically for THIS situation you are in right now. They are recommended because in THIS environment your wonderful qualities are drawing negative attention. They are not serving you in the here and now.

Of course, I am implying that you should get yourself into a better situation, a better environment as soon as you can! But I’ll get to that later.

• Continue to behave very professionally. This is a given and you would do this anyway, but just a reminder because you are getting worn down.
• However, tone down your perfectionism or high standards. You are probably working at a 165% level, so do good work at the 110% level, but do not force any standards that no one else follows. You can follow them if absolutely necessary, but do not champion or fight any causes that are bringing you negative attention beyond what is absolutely vital to your job or your ethics.
• “Ground” yourself in the “reality” of the culture. Fit in where you can, or at least try not to stand out until you get out. I’m not saying to go against your values, just wear a blue suit if everyone wears blue suits. Keep your office door open if everyone keeps their office door open.
• Stop being surprised by how people behave or treat you. This may or may not be your first experience of being treated this way, but most well-meaning, highly professional people I coach continue to act surprised on a daily or weekly basis that people are behaving this way. STOP being surprised! It is not serving you well. Face reality. You need to create some distance and see this for what it is—it’s a DYSFUNCTIONAL and maybe abusive work environment or person. It is not going to change and you need to get out. In the meantime face the facts and take care of yourself.
• Energetic “Fixes.” Practice sitting up straight, walking tall (without defiance.) Behave “as if” you are calm and confident, even if you do not feel it.  Leave your “little kid” at home and only take your “adult Self” to work. Keep your energy field “housecleaned.” Wash your hands or walk around the block as a cleansing ritual. Breathe deeply for 2 minutes periodically throughout your day. Drink water frequently versus coffee. Water is calming. Imagine yourself inside a bright energy field that surrounds you, and visualize pouring a gallon of olive oil on it like oil on a balloon so things slide right off. Exercise. Eat healthy foods. Get enough sleep. Play with people you love to stay sane. Do not over shop, over drink or do other things you would not normally do.
• If attacked, demeaned or negated in meetings. Again sit up straight, do not avoid eye contact, but do not draw undo attention to yourself. Be prepared to answer but not engage. Start the interaction only if it is possible to ask what the superior would like to hear about. Typically this would be in phone meetings where you are usually put on the spot and maybe over talk or over give out of anxiety.
• Only give what you are asked to give or need to give. Again, contain your anxiety and do not over do.
• In all things stay “neutral.” This is a non-dramatic, non-anxious non-judgmental stance. Stay neutral because it will help keep your head and your heart clear on a day-to-day basis and it will help you look at options to get out.

Other Tips for the Short-Term 

• Reality checks. Where possible turn to friends, your mate or preferably other people in your field who have had similar experiences or know about the culture or company your work in. They may be able to offer feedback and support.
• Get an experienced business coach. You need to talk to someone with experience who can help you keep your head on straight, consider anything you can do, and help you look at options for getting out.

Tips for the Long-Term

• Get a recruiter or two and begin a serious job search. You are in a no-win position and it is through no fault of your own. You are in a dysfunctional culture that either promotes bad behavior/lack of ethics in general, or turns a blind eye on abusive supervisors, bosses, or superiors. Accept that fact and make a plan to move on.
• Begin your search sooner rather than later. Your self-esteem is already plummeting and you doubt your capabilities. Cut your losses. The longer you stay the greater your chances of experiencing PTSD Post Traumatic Stress as a result.
• Have an employment attorney in your back pocket. Attorneys will very often give free advice until it turns to legal action. They often can tell you how to behave and what to say should your situation turn nasty, litigious.
• Document. Depending on how retaliatory your company or superior(s) may be, you may wish to document a running list of actions and the dates. Again an attorney can advise in this matter also.

So the bottom line is, take care of yourself and begin to make a serious plan to get out of the company. Move on. 

I wish you the best of luck in removing yourself from this difficult situation. If there is anything I can do to help please call on me via my wonderful team at info@bigpictureconnections.com

And, please share your story in the comments section below along with any other suggestions for what worked for you. People often feel alone and isolated when they are a Lightening Rod for Negativity. Sharing your story and how you made change can help others.

If you want to grow your business, it’s important to also grow a great team of people to help you. These assistants and specialists may be virtual or on-site, full or part-time, depending on your needs, your budget and your business structure.

How many assistants or specialists you need is dependent on the nature and amount of work to first make your business foundation solid and second to take your business to the next level.

Many small business owners get bogged down in trying to “do it all” themselves—never hiring, never delegating.

And thus, they never grow. They wonder why.

Here’s the core reason: They are so caught up in running all the diddly details of the business they have no time to focus on their expertise—creating new materials or products, creating a relationship with potential clients and referral sources. It’s your expertise that your clients need and want from you. It’s also what they are willing to pay you for.

Successful Leaders Surround Themselves with a Savvy Team

As a successful leader you hire highly qualified people that are right for the job.

As a successful leader you train thoroughly, delegate clearly and manage skillfully. You also know when to add to your team because your business will profit from doing so. And you know when to let someone go if they are holding you back or not adding value.

As a successful leader you also know when you need someone to oversee your team projects while you are free to focus on the creative work the team helps you to carry out. Again, this is because such systems create greater profits for your company freeing you to meet the needs of your clients and to enjoy the life you desire.

• If you are in a company you may manage an entire department or team of people.

• If you are a new entrepreneur you may have a very small team consisting of you and a virtual assistant, technology/computer specialist, bookkeeper and/or accountant, and a lawyer you call on infrequently.

• If you are small business owner itching to expand you probably have similar people in place but you are feeling the squeeze and know you need to expand your team.

Here are a set of questions to ask as you expand or course-correct your leadership and your team:

1. Who are the people on your current “team?”

Make a list:

Are they on-board with your business mission and goals? Have you trained them thoroughly? Is each individual self-directed, able to take on tasks and run with them to completion? Are they able and willing to work together as needed? Do you both communicate so they know exactly what you want them to do and do they follow through so you can focus on your creative expertise?

Make notes of any gaps your team members may have in follow-through, communication, or being self-motivated and self-directed as needed.

Also indicate where you, as team leader, may need to tighten your training or your systems for communicating who-what-when-where-why-and how you want things to get done.

2. What systems do you have in place to document each and every task or function should one of your team members leave?

Document and Back-Up:

This is especially necessary for small businesses with part-time or virtual staff members.

What back-up systems do you have in place if one team member leaves, gets sick or goes on vacation?

Create a “How-To” Manual for every task in your business.

3. What are the gaps in “tasks-that-need-to-get-done?” These are tasks you pick up that you really should delegate to someone else as soon as your budget allows. 

Get ready to hire the minute you can:

Write a job description complete with hourly pay for contract work (such as a Virtual Assistant or bookkeeper.) Compare this salary with the savings you will make if you devote your time spent at your hourly rate if you are doing your expert work.

You may soon see that two-four-six hours per week with a good assistant who loves what they do pays off in greater profits coming in to you.

Consider who you would hire and even interview, so that when the moment is right you may already have someone in mind. You’ll be glad you did.

4. Now, make a list of personal tasks you can delegate or hire out when your budget allows.

Do you really need to do the laundry or the cleaning?

This is where most people get squeamish. “Oh but it really doesn’t take that long to do the laundry…or run to the grocery store…or pick up the dry cleaning…..”

Do this for just one week and I swear you may start to think differently. Keep track of all the tasks you do and time involved in attending to personal and family upkeep—or don’t do. Especially if you office at home full or part-time, because we know you take time here and there to handle household chores, now don’t you! (I know. I have a home office too!)

Think about what else you could be accomplishing if you focused solely on your business. Or maybe you’d spend some time on self care—seeing a friend or exercising which are supposed to be perks of running your own business vs trading business chores for household chores.

So this list—uncensored—might include a cook, housekeeper, grocery delivery services, dry clean delivery, lawn services, dog walker poop-picker-upper, auto detailer/servicer, laundry washing folding ironing, gift buyers and wrappers, errand running and so on.

Now these services may not be affordable right now, or you may need to delegate to family members and share the tasks. And there are many able and willing folks out there who would just love to support your big picture business growth by providing these services, freeing you to offer your much higher paying expert services to those who really need you!

Keep these lists nearby. If you’re experience is like mine, when you get clear about what you’d like to delegate, chances are it will happen sooner rather than later.

You and your business will profit!

Do you know that POST-IT brand NOTES were invented in my home state of Minnesota? The Twin Cities are home to 3M, the company that profits from this accidental 

 POST-ITS did not take off at that point. But a few years later they were given to a bunch of secretaries who found many uses for the sticky back innovation and voila!invention. Back in 1974, when the non-sticky adhesive—developed by a research scientist at 3M—met the bookmark in the hymnal of another 3M researcher and became a “temporarily permanent” book mark.

I bring this up because I’ve come up with a great exercise—using POST-ITS of varying sizes—to help you gain greater clarity by de-cluttering your emotional life so you can reach for your biggest professional dreams.

So this week your Big Picture assignment is to go buy yourself a nice batch of colorful POST-IT NOTES. Then read the article Bring Your Emotional Saboteurs to Their Knees: How to Turn Your “Enemies” of Satisfaction Into Fuel For Business Success. This exercise is eye-opening—it just might change your perspective and maybe your life!  

You’ve heard it said that we are often our own worst enemy? Well, yes, and no…and…It depends. Here’s what I mean.

Our thinking can get in the way of reaching for what we want if we let it. Or,if we are not aware of it. And the worst is when we “honor” it or give our negative or small minded thoughts, self-doubts, shame and blame and put downs to our success POWER over what we want or do.

Some call it “Stinkin’ Thinkin.”

You may already know this, but here’s the deal: You are going to be challenged your entire life to listen for YOUR TRUTH. One of your life adventures is to DISCOVER YOUR TRUTH —even if you make a few mistakes along the way.

Sometimes YOUR TRUTH is hard to hear over the din of negative messages surrounding you. 

Some are messages from friends, family, colleagues, your boss now. These have BIG POWER when they reflect messages (verbal or nonverbal) absorbed from others—from when you were under the age of 8 years old!

Yup.  Messages absorbed when you were a child, usually sent us by well-meaning folks who had their own issues!

So listen to me. Those of you who have little kids will get this. The rest of you think of some adorable little boy or girl you know and love.

You WOULD NOT send a 4 year old to run your company.

You WOULD NOT let a 6 year old confront a boss, be in charge of asking to become partner or develop an exit strategy.

You WOULD NOT let a 5 year old make major decisions for your future work satisfaction and business growth.

That’s exactly what you are doing if you do not confront the little, niggly voices in your head that hold you back. These voices ARE NOT the truth. They are remnants of what you were taught directly or indirectly from family, teachers, society (it was in the koolaide or soda pop!)

The messages you sometimes remember the most are the negative, self-doubting, shaming, blaming, critical ones.

KEYS to the CURE

Changing such deep-seated mindset doesn’t happen all at once. And you have to keep practicing it.

1. Stop HONORING your negative messages.
    
2. Put your self-sabotaging EGO off to the side while you get clear about these messages in the exercises below. Sometimes the ego wants to keep you small too.
    
3. Every morning before you get out of bed, make sure it’s your ADULT SELF and not your little CHILD who is embracing your day. Your ADULT SELF can learn to be strong, make decisions and handle what needs to be handled in the business world and in your personal life. I promise you, life just gets easier when you STAY ADULT.
    
4. Do the exercise below, and then repeat. Share your discoveries with one another and let me know how it goes.

This is “MUSCLE-BUILDING” for a strong ADULT SELF!!

EXERCISE:
 

HOW TO IDENTIFY & CONFRONT  SABOTEURS

THAT KEEP YOU & YOUR BUSINESS SMALL!

INSTRUCTIONS

 Read instructions in full before you begin this exercise.

• Have notebook or paper and pen handy, along with a good stack of sticky Post-It Notes – hopefully colorful ones! Have a number of blank pages on which you draw a line from top to bottom down the middle.

Begin Here

• Schedule 30-60 minutes to write about your Big Picture vision for your business 12-18 months from now. Schedule to have no interruptions so you can focus on what you truly want in your business.

• Put your EGO off to the side and remain in a neutral state of mind.

• As you answer the following questions, notice every time a “saboteur” or “enemy” of your satisfaction pops into your head. Notice what it is saying to you, NAME IT and write it down on a post-it. Stick the Post-Its off to the side in the left hand column of the blank page with line down the middle.

Your 7 Big Picture Vision Questions

1. If you were not afraid, if you did not hold back, what would you be doing in your business or professional life 12-18 months from now?
    
2.  What is the expertise or product you have to share with your clients?
    
3.  Who would you work with?
    
4.  Who would be your “ideal” clients.
    
5.  Who would be on your team?
    
6. How would you spend your day?
    
7. How much money would you like to make in the next year to 18 months? Make this realistic but do not hold back.

Okay. Now answer the above 7 questions, Use your POST-Its every time a negative thought or message pops into your heads. Write it down and go back to being in NEUTRAL and answering the questions from your ADULT SELF.

What is My ADULT TRUTH?

The final step in this exercise is to place each of the POST-IT’s one by one on the left hand side of the paper with the line down the middle. Group those that are repeats of the same message into one.

At the top of this column label it OLD NEGATIVE MESSAGES. Trust me on this. You may think these are your own thoughts, but you’ve simply internalized them so it feels like your own.

At the top of the right-hand column put the words MY CURRENT ADULT TRUTH.

• Across from each negative message you have named staying very neutral and very ADULT write your current ADULT TRUTH. This is what you know and believe about yourself NOW.

• Identify the age at which you were taught or absorbed this message, and maybe even who taught you.

• Talk back to the negative message. Some will be more difficult to decipher your Adult Truth, so come back to them til you have clarity. There may even be a few that you decide you agree with. Not the negativity, but maybe some underlying truth (e.g. “I don’t need a million dollars, job and life satisfaction are more important to me. I do want to make more than I am making now, however!)
   

Bring This Exercise Into Your Life

Keep some Post-Its in your pocket or purse and jot down any messages that arise throughout your day.

One you NAME them, it is easier to put them off to the side, stay Adult and reach for the Big Picture dreams you truly desire.

Use the exercise and share what you discover in the comments section. Your discovery may inspire someone else and I’d love to hear what you learn!

These are ESSENTIAL CHANGES to make or Leadership Skills you need to develop if you are going to make big picture business changes in your life in the coming months.

Okay, moving right along…the next key essential you need to conserve is… (Drum roll please!)

Leadership Skill #3

In order to make the changes…it is essential that you:

Preserve Your Creativity

Good leaders use their creative ideas wisely. It’s a top leadership skill to know when and how to share a creative idea or solution.

I suspect that you have a deep-seated creativity that you simply take for granted. You may even be saying, no Jan that’s not me…….but if we did a life review (which I encourage you to do by the way) you’d probably list many ways in which you applied your creativity – again to helping others achieve their goals. This is not a good leadership skill.

As you become an excellent leader in your life and business, with strong leadership skill—and as you figure out what you really want to aim for in your professional life—right now you need to preserve some of that creativity for yourself.

By observing your creative capacity you will be reminded not only of what you want to do but what you love and are good at doing.

Let me tell you something—when you unconsciously and freely give away your ideas and solutions it’s a form of energy dumping—no one’s asked for it, you give it anyway, auto-pilot—it expels your “tension.”

Right now to make changes – you need to hang onto your tension, work with it, and learn from it. Creative tension gives insights into what you want and what you love, what you are passionate about.

Your Leadership Skill Challenge for this week is “Muscle-building”: I want you to practice preserving your creative tension. You’ll create greater “capacity” for your brilliance work. Preserve it. Later you’ll use it in the right places and have a much bigger impact.

Your Leadership Skill Assignment: Instead of helping others when not asked or doing projects that are unnecessary but familiar, pour that tension into an idea notebook. Have a big picture dream section.

Also on a daily basis make yourself a specific to-do list each day with only 2-3 basic and necessary tasks you must do.

Build in new vision-building time and Stay focused on you.

Leadership Skill #4

To make the changes you want… the 4th key essential is to:

Conserve Your Expertise (and Maybe Even Money!)

Many of you don’t value or even think about the value of your expertise. Top leaders do. It’s a highly valued leadership skill to own your expertise and use it at appropriate times.

You’re probably like my clients many of whom give it away, they are not compensated for it; thus others don’t value you, they take you for granted, you end up resentful.

Many of those in management or director level positions make huge amounts of money for others and are not rewarded themselves. Some even practically run companies without being brought on as partners. They are greatly undervalued.

Your Leadership Skill Challenge is to not give away all your “Goodies!”: Again, your challenge is to do what is required—while you figure out what you really want to do—but to not give away all your goodies!

I know the secondary challenge is to not feel guilty or selfish while holding back. That’s a whole other topic and I have a number of articles on my blog to help you with those emotions that are learned, not real emotions. Take a look at http://BigPictureConnections.com

Your Leadership Skill Assignment: Do a life review. Write down all the ways you have freely helped others and note the cost benefit to them (it may be a person or a company) and the cost drain or loss to you (how were you compensated or taken for granted?)

Let’s be clear: Your expertise is valuable and can make you financially profitable if you put yourself first to figure out your new direction. From that place of clarity you will be a wise, strong leader with solid leadership skills.

If you have any questions about customizing a Career Coaching block of time for yourself, please go to this page http://bigpictureconnections.com/big-picture-partnering-in-business-coaching/ where you’ll send me a short form indicating your vision and needs. Then we’ll talk and set up a time just for you!

Also, to learn more about the year-long Individual Coaching, Mentoring & Group Masterminding opportunity, check out THE DEEP DIVE.