When couples have troubles it’s easy to fall into a pattern of blaming one another and finger pointing. Each of you has the unconscious expectation that “If he’d only change how he talks (or doesn’t talk) to me,” “If he’d plan for retirement or balance the checkbook on time,” “If she’d just get dinner on the table or keep the kids quiet,” “If he’d accept my parents visiting every other weekend,” and so on, your relationship would be fine.

While there may be some element of truth in what you say when you’re upset and approach it this way you are:

• Blaming your partner, creating a fight or pushing them away
• Not taking responsibility for your part in the problematic communication
• Not viewing the issues as a joint venture to be dealt with together         

If you are striving to be a Conscious Entrepreneurial Couple, learning to place your issues on your “partnering table” will keep disagreements from coming between you, or tearing you apart.

Practicing this mindset and using the “On The Table” tool challenges you to come up with solutions that satisfy not only you, but also both of you. This is a Win/Win perspective.

All Issues Go “On The Table”—Not Between You

When you blame your partner you create a wall between you that cuts off your connection and feelings of closeness. You’re no longer on the same team. You cannot work together to arrive at solutions.

Putting your disagreements between you polarizes you. It is like being adversaries or enemies—at opposite ends of a tug-o’-war rope. It may feel like a brick wall between you.

It means you must adopt a new perspective to partner. Put the issues on the table, so they do not blur your vision, or make you forget you are on the same team. Life is stressful enough without blocking out your partner and the lifeline of potential creative problem solving between you.

In Big Picture Partnering, all issues, desires, requests, differences, and disagreements go “on the table” rather than between you. All issues are viewed as simply life circumstances you can confidently address together by talking at the “partnering table.”

When you have the tools you work toward mutually satisfying solutions together because what affects one of you affects both of you.

What Goes “On The Table?”

Examples of things that go on your table include any misunderstandings or disagreements between you; also needs, want and desires about any aspect of you life.

Daily Details:

These may include such things as differences in how each of you parent, how you’re going to manage the family schedule or finances, desires for your family’s happiness, or weekly squabbles over who should do the cooking or cleaning.

Outside Stressors:

Stressors that impact you are also on your table. These may include the emotional and financial ramifications of a difficult boss causing anxiety over job security. It may include a friend’s breast or prostate cancer diagnosis causing you both to worry or grieve.

 Big Dreams:

These are fun, future and creative ideas or plans for your future, or things like major moves of job changes.

For a full list of topics for your partnering table, refer to the full article. 

• Kids 
• Work
• In-laws
• Household chores
• Holiday plans
• Individual time for exercise
• Couple dates
• Sex
• Religion
• Dates and time together
• Business concerns that affect the family
• Finances-long and short-term
• Time commitments
• Schedules
• Problematic friends
• Social activities
• Retirement plans and dreams
• And so on

Anything that is a current or future need, a difference or disagreement, a desire or dream should go on your partnering table.

Then the focus becomes “How shall we handle this together?”

Make Decisions That Satisfy
To make this shift, you need to adopt a Win/Win Mindset. This mindset plus using the partnering “table” for dealing with problems, needs or desires takes a bit of consistent practice to learn to do together.

You will become experts if you practice. And, next week I’ll give you the 3 Step “On The Table Formula” you can follow for successful resolution and decision-making outcomes.

In the meantime, here are some important questions to prepare your self for this new way of discussing and resolving differences:

1. Am I willing to give up my old habits and try a new way of making decisions together? What do I have to lose?
2. Am I willing to hear my partner’s thoughts and not get defensive? If I truly love him/her why would I not want to listen for understanding?
3. What are the costs to me, to my partner, my family and my business life if I’m NOT OPEN to working toward Win/Win solutions? What are the costs to our connection, our emotional and physical health, our finances, our ability to create a wonderful future together?
4. If you have children, what are the costs of them learning our current style of relating? Is this what I/we want to teach them?
5. Is this the legacy I want to leave?

Working together for win/wins is the mark of a true partnership. Once you master it you’ll feel fully supported and life will run more smoothly.

Make an agreement with yourself and with one another to reflect on this. Then spend some time talking about what you really desire together.

Next week I’ll show you how to talk through the 3 Step On The Table Formula.

This week the Video Ezine Assignment is focused on conscious, committed couples.

I think of you couples as “business partners” or “entrepreneurial couples” whether one of you works in the home, or even if one or both of you work in a corporation. Managing a relationship, a family, running a household and going to work—inside or outside the home—is a massive challenge. It’s like running a business!

Just like a well-run corporation or a business has a culture, mission and philosophy, a well-run household is headed by you two, as “business” partners who partner for the sake of the family.

When you separate the business of life from the fun stuff you can keep the spark of romance alive. When it becomes entangles, both the business and the romantic success typically falters.

So, the more committed you are to your priorities, the more conscious you are of your needs, and the more creative and flexible you are, the smoother your life will run AND the more you’ll have time and energy to reach for your Big Picture Dreams together!

The BIG Benefits of Balancing Work and Family Together

It’s simple. When you are clearly aiming for the same outcomes as the lead-partners, CEO’s of your company/household, you both

• Agree to partner and stay focused together
• Agree to be fully accountable for your agreements
• Want everyone in the company to be happy
• Fully support both of your needs and desires
• Work creatively to build a mutually satisfying life together

The 5 Habits

As conscious, committed entrepreneurial couples you:

1. Are on the same page with your values and priorities.
Your life activities are focused on these key priorities. You create systems and communication to stay aligned and cooperating. You work together so that everyone’s needs are met.

2. Consciously learn and implement a partnering mindset, skills and tools.
You want to reach for your dreams individually and together, so you work to

• Smooth out Daily Details
• Keep Big Picture Dreams Alive

3. Manage conflict together.
If your communication styles are different you agree to learn a mutual style of resolving conflict together. You use time-outs and schedule talk times to stay connected. You create a conflict-free zone and seek advice or help when in trouble.

4. Put difficult topics and issues “On the table.”
You seek to stay connected and not blame one another. You know when issues are On The Table you can resolve them together. You seek Win/Win, mutually satisfying solutions for both of you.

5. Set positive goals to work toward together.
You desire to grow together and to create a fulfilling life together at every stage. So you annually establish Individual, Couple and Family Goals (if applicable.) You have regular meeting to follow-up on progress toward these goals.

Here’s an important fact. Research shows that the number of disagreements, differences or fights a couple experiences does not determine the longevity of a relationship. Whew!

When you don’t have the tools to communicate about your conflicts, they often get pushed under the rug. Then, chances are, you trip over them again and again.

It’s hard to feel successful and to have a balanced life when your most important relationship is out of balance.

Here are the steps couples in my Big Picture Partnering™ Couples Coaching Program agree on to create a conflict-free zone at home. If you need to improve your relationship, follow these steps. Then you can learn a new way to communicate to resolve your conflicts.

Step #1: Stop Fighting For Now

If you have unresolved issues that keep erupting, chances are you don’t have the tools to communicate to resolve them. Agree not to fight for now. You might even agree to sign a DO NOT FIGHT pact while you learn a new way.

Step #2: Agree to Take Time-Outs

If you’re in a habit pattern of unresolved fights, agree to take Time-Outs. Agree to only communicate when you are both being effective (kind, respectful, clear.)

When you notice your good communication is deteriorating into bad communication or you’ve hit a hot button, take responsibility for yourself and take a break.

Step #3: Stand Still

I guarantee you that if you practice biting your tongue you may not know what to do instead. That’s actually a good thing. So do this instead—stand still. Just observe.

Don’t “chase” your partner verbally. And don’t run away if that’s your pattern. Just stand still. Sometimes physically, and especially verbally. Give your partner, yourself and the “problem” some space.

Bite your tongue, sit on your hands, walk away and observe your feelings and thoughts. Quit worrying about your mate and focus on what’s going on with you. If you can stand still it opens the door to finding a new way of interacting. Ask yourself: “What is it I really want? Am I being a respectful communicator? Could I approach this problem or request another way?”

Step #4: Grace and Dignity

You may not know what to do next, but I always tell people to think of this mantra when they’re not sure what to do. Some ideas will surely come to you! The mantra goes like this: “What would a healthy, normal Adult do in this situation if they were behaving with Grace and Dignity?”

Step #5: Stay Connected With the Good

One of the hardest things to do when you’re angry or frustrated with your mate is to stay connected. You probably automatically disconnect. Right?

Well, disconnecting keeps you in your own little bubble of self-talk and negativity.

Many disagreements or differences take time to resolve. Practice managing your anxiety over differences, your need to control the outcome and your need to have a resolution right now. Practice staying connected in a loving way with your partner.

Stay connected and continue to do things that promote good feelings between you. When you feel good about one another, yourself and your relationship, differences are often easier to discuss in a calm manner.

Practice Steps #1 – 5 for 2-4 weeks.

Understand How You Manage Conflict; Learn a New Way

If you both agree to implement Steps #1 – 5, you will create a conflict free zone at home. You will also improve the emotional savings account by maintaining the good feelings between you. Hopefully you’ll have observed some things about how you deal with conflict to break your negative patterns.

Within this conflict-free zone you can then discuss your issues in a calmer, more respectful way.

If certain topics are still too hot to handle on your own, agree to get some couple’s coaching. Agree to learn the tools and skills that will make you effective and keep your relationship rock-solid.

Here are more resources to help you learn a new way:

Regular Talking & Listening Gift

Big Picture Partnering Programs

Big Picture Partnering VIP Couples

Romance Rehab book by Dr. Jan

Be sure to include all the little and big things that you desire to manifest in the coming year. You may wish to group these into short-term goals (one to three months) and longer-term goals (four to twelve months) For example:

“I want a weekend vacation, alone with my husband, without the kids, next summer. We need some time on our own.”

“I want to start looking for a new job in six months, once I have learned what I set out to learn at this company. I need to talk to my partner about this.”

“I want us to continue practicing being more emotionally mature. I want us to continue becoming better communicators. I want us to feel more connected to each other by this time next year.”

“I want us to find a way to resolve disagreements about the children’s bedtime and discipline. I’d rather spend our evenings relaxing and talking together.”

“I want to continue sticking to my budget and even have money saved by the end of the year. I would feel proud of myself if I accomplished that. It would contribute to our partnership.”

“I want to resolve our lack of sexual intimacy. We seem to be going through the motions these days.”

“This summer I want more time to golf or fish.”

“I want to feel closer to God. I’d like to talk more about our spiritual life.”

“I want to spend more time with my parents now that they are getting older and less active. I’m not sure how to balance this with my family, but I’d like my partner to support me in this.”

Here’s an example of a fully thought-through individual intention, stated as a positive goal, fleshed out in action steps with a thorough timetable:

“During the coming year, my vision is to develop a better balance between personal, family, and work time.

I am committed to experimenting with a few options toward accomplishing that goal.

One is to go in to the office one hour earlier three days a week, close my door for that hour, and use that quiet time to get through my paperwork.  This will enable me to leave work earlier and spend more time on the things that I enjoy, including being with my partner and my family.

I also plan on delegating more of the detail work to my assistant and will set up one meeting with her each chapter to accomplish this. In order to ensure that I keep more reasonable hours, I will let my staff know I am leaving by five o’clock at least four nights a week, and I will ask my wife to join me downtown for an early dinner date one night each week. “

Then, think about how you want your relationship to be one year from now. These are Couple, Partnering or Relationship Goals. Again, write about how you’d like your relationship to be, to become even better in about a year. What would you be doing? What would you have accomplished together? How would you be acting?

Finally, what do you desire for your entire family? If you have children, these are your Family Goals. This might include vacations and activities together, spending time learning something new as a family, and so on. It may also include personal time you give each of your children. 

Give yourself some time, in a particularly nice setting, to consider these aspects of your life. Go somewhere overlooking a lake, curl up in your favorite chair, or take yourself out to your favorite coffee shop for a few hours. Take a written list of the above categories and any others that fit your circumstances.                                                                          

Then start to write about what you need or want, fleshing out each of the categories on your list. Include:

• Things you already do and want to continue (“I like how we are parenting. I want to continue being a good father.”)
• Things you wish to resolve or change between you (“I want to improve our sex life and become more affectionate once again.”)
• Things you want to add or create (“We’ve never talked about our future dreams, twenty years from now. We need to start planning for retirement. I want to figure out a way to dream and make it financially feasible together.” Or, “We need more couple time. I’d like us to have three short vacations this year, without the kids.”)